Breakdown at Work

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It was Monday the anniversary of Clo's death.  I miss her so much. I am at work with my fake smile and fake face on pretending everything is ok. In reality, it is not I would rather be in a corner crying my eyes out.  Each day I am losing the ability to hide how broken I am inside. It gets harder to fake that smile and pretend I am happy.  At least the people at work don't ask and don't question what is going on. I tend to stick to myself. I'm a very private person. They may see I'm not ok but they don't ask or question. Usually, I would be happy they don't ask but for once I would like for someone to notice I'm not ok and ask me.

Call me out on my bullshit. Tear down this veil I put up. It's pretty much see through now. You notice me struggling every day but no one asks and no one worries. It's lonely when you work and no most people could care less about you.  Though I know that is not true I have kept them at a distance and have never let them in to know the real me. So why would they ask? Just so I can say I am fine, even though I am not. I keep asking myself why I don't let people in. Why I don't show them how I am really feeling

I feel like it's because they scare me I fear what they are going to think of me when I am falling apart. I am always the one there for everyone else, I am the strong one. I'm not supposed to show weakness.  Though I know living life while keeping people at arm's length is no way to live.

 

07-31-18_7-02-33 PM

We had a grief Counselor show up and I was under the impression she was there for anyone who wanted to talk. Truth is they called her for me. They knew I wouldn't agree to it if they had told me. I am actually thankful for this. I own them a hug for this. I spoke to her for over an hour and just let it all out.

07-31-18_7-07-44 PM

One question she asked hit me straight in the gut. She asked me what my hobbies were beside video games.  I couldn't answer.  I sat there as tears ran down my face and I couldn't tell her.  The reason is that I didn't know.  I am going to be 30 and I have no idea who I am as a person. I never say no and I go out of my for others to seek their approval and validation. I like what they like and do what they want for fear of rejection.  I do this because 90% of the time I feel worthless.  I hide in my house not because that is the happy place I do it because I am scared of the outside world.

I am scared of what they will think if I do what makes me happy and not what they want. I repeat the cycle over and over having toxic relationships that use and abuse me till I can't take anymore and walk away. It's sad that I find amazing people online who love me for me but I seek out toxic people in real life.  I know if I don't change I will regret the life I have lived. I'm so very scared though. I want to explore what it means to be mean but I am frozen with fear.

My friend's death was the punch that destroyed my wall and fake face.  I slowly started losing control of pretending to be happy.  Scars I thought I healed from I never really dealt with. I just stuck band-aids over them and hoped they would heal.  You know before I lost her it was so easy to pretend to be happy somedays I actually believed that I was.  It was all lies, pretty little lies I told myself to get through the day. I went through the motions of living without even living.  I know now I can't continue this, I need to heal and I need to grow for myself. I see a counselor on Friday and plan to see her regularly. It's time I figure out what it means to be me.

Quiet Thoughts

*Author's Note* Hello Folks Meet Emily Fine. Fine stands for:

F-Faking a Smile

I- Insecure

N-Numb to everything

E-Emotionally unstable.

I am not in a good place my anxiety has taken over but I thought to have a story where I share my thoughts and feelings would help. So we will see how this goes.  Emily will progress as I do. Her thoughts and actions are mine.  Just to clarify I do not want to hurt myself and I am not suicidal. Just in case that thought crossed your mind.  I will be updating this every couple of days.  So stay tuned.

07-28-18_8-54-26 PM (1)

Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you? I do. Somedays I feel like me other days I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body. I stand there on my bad days and pick apart myself. I know I shouldn't but my inner demons win the fight.

07-28-18_8-55-46 PM

T.V. distracts me sometimes and I can quiet the thoughts that haunt me daily.  It's like a little evil voice in the back of my mind that preys on all my insecurities and brings them to the front of my mind. Then the battle begins. I start to shake and I replay everything I did today over in my head.  Criticizing every move I made. The coping skills I have learned aren't touching it this time. It's a battle not to curl up in a ball and hide.

07-28-18_8-57-36 PM

On days like this, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest.  I feel alone and empty even though I am not. I have friends & family that love me and care about me.  Though that nagging little voice in my head just won't give in this time and shut up. I wish it would, I wish the scars that resurfaced would close and that I could just be happy. The scars I have you can not see but they are there. If someone asked me if I would prefer physical scars over Emotional ones I would say yes. Physical scars heal Emotional ones you carry with you for life. Little things can trigger them and turn your world upside done. I am taking it day by day. One step at a time.

Drifter House 2-Chapter 5

07-01-18_10-17-54 AM

Happy Birthday Claira

07-01-18_10-21-05 AM

She is so cute <3

07-01-18_10-24-27 AM

Awww she loves her Doll House.

07-01-18_10-39-32 AM

I spoke too soon. Really Claira you know you gonna cry afterward because you destroyed it.

07-01-18_10-40-03 AM

I told you so, now what you going to do for fun.

07-01-18_11-10-13 AM

She found a mud puddle to play in instead.

07-01-18_11-10-22 AM

Ahh to be young and carefree.

07-01-18_10-31-08 AM

Bedtime for Miss Claira

07-01-18_10-48-13 AM

Another promotion for Amelia.

07-01-18_10-50-47 AM
07-01-18_3-18-36 PM

Drifter House 2- Chapter 4

06-30-18_9-56-15 AM

He Said Yes!!!!

06-30-18_9-57-33 AM

Congrats to the Happy Couple.

06-30-18_10-09-06 AM

Gave him a slight makeover!

06-30-18_10-38-30 PM

Home Sweet Home.

06-30-18_10-02-37 AM

Promotion Time for Amelia!!

06-30-18_9-55-58 PM

Nooboo Incoming!!

06-30-18_10-51-14 PM

Another Promotion.

06-30-18_10-46-50 PM

I hope there is only one in her belly.

06-30-18_10-56-07 PM

She is calmly eating breakfast while he has a freak out due to incoming Nooboo.

06-30-18_10-59-42 PM

Welcome to the Drifter Family Claira.

Drifter House 2- Chapter 3

06-30-18_9-36-01 AM

*Throws hands up in defeat* Seriously I give up that's it she is destined to fail and be alone the rest of her life. Ok Dramatic rant is over. Now on to your normal scheduled program.

06-30-18_9-29-39 AM

Mom may be a ghost but she hasn't left. She invited Amelia out to spend some quality mother-daughter bonding time. <3

06-30-18_9-23-23 AM

So dad died as well but didn't get a notification for it. Silly game At least we got to spend some time with him.

06-30-18_9-40-45 AM

Oh, my lucky stars we have found a winner, folks. His name is Nobuya and he is a Geek, Cheerful, and Loves outdoors.

06-30-18_9-44-34 AM

Amelia Invites him over to build a snowman. We are so not letting him get away.

06-30-18_9-55-04 AM

Frist Kiss <3

06-30-18_9-55-58 AM

Fingers Crossed he says Yes.

Drifter House 2- Chapter 1

06-29-18_7-04-01 PM
Mom stops by for a visit. I just love this family so much. <3
06-29-18_7-06-48 PM
Amelia finds a pile of leaves to play with. Though her change in skin color suggests she needs her winter gear on.
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The Gnomes come and nothing she does makes them happy. Evil little buggers.
06-29-18_7-12-19 PM
All she did was give the buggers some coffee and apple pie. Who doesn't love that stuff. It was a shocking experience for Amelia.
06-29-18_9-49-12 PM
Damnit the maid is a lady. On to the next service sim.
06-29-18_10-13-40 PM
It's finally winter n Willow Creek So beautiful.
06-29-18_10-14-28 PM

Amelia makes her first snow angel. Winter here is nothing like Oasis Springs and she loves it.