Breakdown at Work

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It was Monday the anniversary of Clo's death.  I miss her so much. I am at work with my fake smile and fake face on pretending everything is ok. In reality, it is not I would rather be in a corner crying my eyes out.  Each day I am losing the ability to hide how broken I am inside. It gets harder to fake that smile and pretend I am happy.  At least the people at work don't ask and don't question what is going on. I tend to stick to myself. I'm a very private person. They may see I'm not ok but they don't ask or question. Usually, I would be happy they don't ask but for once I would like for someone to notice I'm not ok and ask me.

Call me out on my bullshit. Tear down this veil I put up. It's pretty much see through now. You notice me struggling every day but no one asks and no one worries. It's lonely when you work and no most people could care less about you.  Though I know that is not true I have kept them at a distance and have never let them in to know the real me. So why would they ask? Just so I can say I am fine, even though I am not. I keep asking myself why I don't let people in. Why I don't show them how I am really feeling

I feel like it's because they scare me I fear what they are going to think of me when I am falling apart. I am always the one there for everyone else, I am the strong one. I'm not supposed to show weakness.  Though I know living life while keeping people at arm's length is no way to live.

 

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We had a grief Counselor show up and I was under the impression she was there for anyone who wanted to talk. Truth is they called her for me. They knew I wouldn't agree to it if they had told me. I am actually thankful for this. I own them a hug for this. I spoke to her for over an hour and just let it all out.

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One question she asked hit me straight in the gut. She asked me what my hobbies were beside video games.  I couldn't answer.  I sat there as tears ran down my face and I couldn't tell her.  The reason is that I didn't know.  I am going to be 30 and I have no idea who I am as a person. I never say no and I go out of my for others to seek their approval and validation. I like what they like and do what they want for fear of rejection.  I do this because 90% of the time I feel worthless.  I hide in my house not because that is the happy place I do it because I am scared of the outside world.

I am scared of what they will think if I do what makes me happy and not what they want. I repeat the cycle over and over having toxic relationships that use and abuse me till I can't take anymore and walk away. It's sad that I find amazing people online who love me for me but I seek out toxic people in real life.  I know if I don't change I will regret the life I have lived. I'm so very scared though. I want to explore what it means to be mean but I am frozen with fear.

My friend's death was the punch that destroyed my wall and fake face.  I slowly started losing control of pretending to be happy.  Scars I thought I healed from I never really dealt with. I just stuck band-aids over them and hoped they would heal.  You know before I lost her it was so easy to pretend to be happy somedays I actually believed that I was.  It was all lies, pretty little lies I told myself to get through the day. I went through the motions of living without even living.  I know now I can't continue this, I need to heal and I need to grow for myself. I see a counselor on Friday and plan to see her regularly. It's time I figure out what it means to be me.