Let’s Talk

I had my first session with my therapist.  It was interesting to say the least. We talked about Clo and we talked about my life and my fear of people.  Did I open completely up no but did I try? Yes, I did.  Trusting people is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to so bad but I have been burned so many times I fear others more than trust them.  She was kind, funny, and sweet, I think I am going to like her. She focused on my lack of a social circle and wants to work on me meeting people and try to help me find out who I am.  Though the hardest part is I have to talk to them as me and not just act the way I think they want me to act. I’ve looked at groups and other meetups around me but I’m not ready. I need more time to figure out me before I go in search of friends.

That is extaclly how I looked everytime she mentioned meeting people.  My eyes got big as saucers and I tried to think of any excuse why I don’t go out and meet people. She called me out on my bullshit.  She’s right, I make lame excuses just so I don’t have to socialize. I’ve never been very good at it and I was isolated growing up so my social skills suck hardcore.  Making true friends means letting them in, showing them my scars and to stop pretending I am ok, and to learn how to say no. That will be a tough one, I always want to help people and saying no makes me sometimes feel like a bad person. Even though I know its ok to say no. I just feel I shouldn’t that one is going to be tough.

 

The girl on the left does everything everyone wants her to. She never says no and is always up for whatever you want to do even if she doesn’t want to do it. The girl on the right is the old me I tossed away so many years ago. The girl who liked weird and unusual things stood up for herself and didn’t care what people thought.  That girl is still inside me fighting for a way out but I haven’t let her out. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed that I like skulls, gothic clothing, colored contacts and weird things.  I shouldn’t have hide behind a mask to make friends yet I do. I fear rejection so much, but truth be told if people reject me they are not true friends.  I am not comfortable in my own skin but I want to be and I will learn to be.  I have the steps I need to take and I will it will be a slow process but I will get there. Step one chop my hair and dye it the colors I have always wanted, step 2 lose weight and buy the clothes I want to wear. When I look in my closet I want to have a bonfire and burn my clothes, I so want to do that when I get where I need to be. I want to toss everything that isn’t me that I have just because someone said this is what I should be wearing or have. That I am a mom, an adult, a manager so this is how I need to dress and act. News flash not everyone is the same and I am tired of being a Barbie doll that just does what everyone else wants. I know it will take time but I will get there. The girl I once was that hides in the shadows and lurks is trying to break out and once she does she is never going back to the shadows.

Quiet Thoughts

*Author's Note* Hello Folks Meet Emily Fine. Fine stands for:

F-Faking a Smile

I- Insecure

N-Numb to everything

E-Emotionally unstable.

I am not in a good place my anxiety has taken over but I thought to have a story where I share my thoughts and feelings would help. So we will see how this goes.  Emily will progress as I do. Her thoughts and actions are mine.  Just to clarify I do not want to hurt myself and I am not suicidal. Just in case that thought crossed your mind.  I will be updating this every couple of days.  So stay tuned.

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Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you? I do. Somedays I feel like me other days I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body. I stand there on my bad days and pick apart myself. I know I shouldn't but my inner demons win the fight.

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T.V. distracts me sometimes and I can quiet the thoughts that haunt me daily.  It's like a little evil voice in the back of my mind that preys on all my insecurities and brings them to the front of my mind. Then the battle begins. I start to shake and I replay everything I did today over in my head.  Criticizing every move I made. The coping skills I have learned aren't touching it this time. It's a battle not to curl up in a ball and hide.

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On days like this, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest.  I feel alone and empty even though I am not. I have friends & family that love me and care about me.  Though that nagging little voice in my head just won't give in this time and shut up. I wish it would, I wish the scars that resurfaced would close and that I could just be happy. The scars I have you can not see but they are there. If someone asked me if I would prefer physical scars over Emotional ones I would say yes. Physical scars heal Emotional ones you carry with you for life. Little things can trigger them and turn your world upside done. I am taking it day by day. One step at a time.