Let’s Talk

I had my first session with my therapist.  It was interesting to say the least. We talked about Clo and we talked about my life and my fear of people.  Did I open completely up no but did I try? Yes, I did.  Trusting people is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to so bad but I have been burned so many times I fear others more than trust them.  She was kind, funny, and sweet, I think I am going to like her. She focused on my lack of a social circle and wants to work on me meeting people and try to help me find out who I am.  Though the hardest part is I have to talk to them as me and not just act the way I think they want me to act. I’ve looked at groups and other meetups around me but I’m not ready. I need more time to figure out me before I go in search of friends.

That is extaclly how I looked everytime she mentioned meeting people.  My eyes got big as saucers and I tried to think of any excuse why I don’t go out and meet people. She called me out on my bullshit.  She’s right, I make lame excuses just so I don’t have to socialize. I’ve never been very good at it and I was isolated growing up so my social skills suck hardcore.  Making true friends means letting them in, showing them my scars and to stop pretending I am ok, and to learn how to say no. That will be a tough one, I always want to help people and saying no makes me sometimes feel like a bad person. Even though I know its ok to say no. I just feel I shouldn’t that one is going to be tough.

 

The girl on the left does everything everyone wants her to. She never says no and is always up for whatever you want to do even if she doesn’t want to do it. The girl on the right is the old me I tossed away so many years ago. The girl who liked weird and unusual things stood up for herself and didn’t care what people thought.  That girl is still inside me fighting for a way out but I haven’t let her out. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed that I like skulls, gothic clothing, colored contacts and weird things.  I shouldn’t have hide behind a mask to make friends yet I do. I fear rejection so much, but truth be told if people reject me they are not true friends.  I am not comfortable in my own skin but I want to be and I will learn to be.  I have the steps I need to take and I will it will be a slow process but I will get there. Step one chop my hair and dye it the colors I have always wanted, step 2 lose weight and buy the clothes I want to wear. When I look in my closet I want to have a bonfire and burn my clothes, I so want to do that when I get where I need to be. I want to toss everything that isn’t me that I have just because someone said this is what I should be wearing or have. That I am a mom, an adult, a manager so this is how I need to dress and act. News flash not everyone is the same and I am tired of being a Barbie doll that just does what everyone else wants. I know it will take time but I will get there. The girl I once was that hides in the shadows and lurks is trying to break out and once she does she is never going back to the shadows.

Focusing My Mind

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Yep, that is how I am most days with my head hung trying to hold myself together. It's rough I have responsibilities I have to care for, but I managed to do it. Though I am not going to lie I am exhausted by the end of the day from holding myself together.  It's not easy to be breaking apart inside while trying to hold yourself together on the outside.

 

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So I did some Yoga. That is one thing I really do like. So far I have learned I like video games, found my passion for reading again, and I like yoga. It calms me and helps me relax my mind.  Though I like it I forced myself to do it because I know laying in bed will not fix me. Even though that's all I want to do.

That is the easy way out of this, just staying where I am at and being ok with it. I won't do that again I refuse to wear the mask I have put on for so many years to appease other people.  It's a struggle because I know people can see I am not ok but I need to show people who I really am. I can no longer depend on the mask. In order to become me, I need to bare it all.  My heart, my soul, everything. Well, not everything. I promise you won't see me naked.

I've been going over my past and actually questioning all of the choices I have made to see how many times I actually thought for myself instead of letting other's dictate what I like and dislike. Let me tell you it is far and few in between.  How I act, talk, dress, and what I have been doing for fun has not been my choice. Minus a couple things my kindness, my smart-ass mouth and a dirty mind that is all 100% me.

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This is my favorite pose in Yoga. The corpse pose.  You are just laying there breathing clearing your head of all thoughts and just focusing on your breathing. It is a beautiful thing. I go for my first counseling session tomorrow and I am worried. I know I shouldn't be but this is all new to me. Sharing my scars with others. It is scary but each step I take is going to make me a better me.

I am still trying to lose weight but not succeeding very much. It's due to my appetite it is at an all-time low.  Don't worry I am still eating but not much. I really just don't feel hungry. I either eat a healthy lunch and skip dinner or skip lunch and eat a healthy dinner. Breakfast is coffee and a roll with butter. If I eat any more I get nauseous.

I do have to admit that writing down how I am feeling and sharing is actually liberating. It's like here I am I may be broken, battered and bruised but I am still here. One thing I am proud of is last week my job celebrated my ex-besties birthday and I flat out refused to participate.  I know it sounds petty but I bent over backward to make her bday special for 5 years and in all that time she barely acknowledged mine.  I didn't decline the celebration to be petty I just didn't want to be a part of it. It would have been fake and I don't want to fake it anymore. I don't want to participate in something just because everyone else wants me to. I'm done with that. If I want to join in I will if I don't then suck it up buttercup and deal with it.

 

Breakdown at Work

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It was Monday the anniversary of Clo's death.  I miss her so much. I am at work with my fake smile and fake face on pretending everything is ok. In reality, it is not I would rather be in a corner crying my eyes out.  Each day I am losing the ability to hide how broken I am inside. It gets harder to fake that smile and pretend I am happy.  At least the people at work don't ask and don't question what is going on. I tend to stick to myself. I'm a very private person. They may see I'm not ok but they don't ask or question. Usually, I would be happy they don't ask but for once I would like for someone to notice I'm not ok and ask me.

Call me out on my bullshit. Tear down this veil I put up. It's pretty much see through now. You notice me struggling every day but no one asks and no one worries. It's lonely when you work and no most people could care less about you.  Though I know that is not true I have kept them at a distance and have never let them in to know the real me. So why would they ask? Just so I can say I am fine, even though I am not. I keep asking myself why I don't let people in. Why I don't show them how I am really feeling

I feel like it's because they scare me I fear what they are going to think of me when I am falling apart. I am always the one there for everyone else, I am the strong one. I'm not supposed to show weakness.  Though I know living life while keeping people at arm's length is no way to live.

 

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We had a grief Counselor show up and I was under the impression she was there for anyone who wanted to talk. Truth is they called her for me. They knew I wouldn't agree to it if they had told me. I am actually thankful for this. I own them a hug for this. I spoke to her for over an hour and just let it all out.

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One question she asked hit me straight in the gut. She asked me what my hobbies were beside video games.  I couldn't answer.  I sat there as tears ran down my face and I couldn't tell her.  The reason is that I didn't know.  I am going to be 30 and I have no idea who I am as a person. I never say no and I go out of my for others to seek their approval and validation. I like what they like and do what they want for fear of rejection.  I do this because 90% of the time I feel worthless.  I hide in my house not because that is the happy place I do it because I am scared of the outside world.

I am scared of what they will think if I do what makes me happy and not what they want. I repeat the cycle over and over having toxic relationships that use and abuse me till I can't take anymore and walk away. It's sad that I find amazing people online who love me for me but I seek out toxic people in real life.  I know if I don't change I will regret the life I have lived. I'm so very scared though. I want to explore what it means to be mean but I am frozen with fear.

My friend's death was the punch that destroyed my wall and fake face.  I slowly started losing control of pretending to be happy.  Scars I thought I healed from I never really dealt with. I just stuck band-aids over them and hoped they would heal.  You know before I lost her it was so easy to pretend to be happy somedays I actually believed that I was.  It was all lies, pretty little lies I told myself to get through the day. I went through the motions of living without even living.  I know now I can't continue this, I need to heal and I need to grow for myself. I see a counselor on Friday and plan to see her regularly. It's time I figure out what it means to be me.

Quiet Thoughts

*Author's Note* Hello Folks Meet Emily Fine. Fine stands for:

F-Faking a Smile

I- Insecure

N-Numb to everything

E-Emotionally unstable.

I am not in a good place my anxiety has taken over but I thought to have a story where I share my thoughts and feelings would help. So we will see how this goes.  Emily will progress as I do. Her thoughts and actions are mine.  Just to clarify I do not want to hurt myself and I am not suicidal. Just in case that thought crossed your mind.  I will be updating this every couple of days.  So stay tuned.

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Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you? I do. Somedays I feel like me other days I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body. I stand there on my bad days and pick apart myself. I know I shouldn't but my inner demons win the fight.

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T.V. distracts me sometimes and I can quiet the thoughts that haunt me daily.  It's like a little evil voice in the back of my mind that preys on all my insecurities and brings them to the front of my mind. Then the battle begins. I start to shake and I replay everything I did today over in my head.  Criticizing every move I made. The coping skills I have learned aren't touching it this time. It's a battle not to curl up in a ball and hide.

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On days like this, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest.  I feel alone and empty even though I am not. I have friends & family that love me and care about me.  Though that nagging little voice in my head just won't give in this time and shut up. I wish it would, I wish the scars that resurfaced would close and that I could just be happy. The scars I have you can not see but they are there. If someone asked me if I would prefer physical scars over Emotional ones I would say yes. Physical scars heal Emotional ones you carry with you for life. Little things can trigger them and turn your world upside done. I am taking it day by day. One step at a time.