I had my first session with my therapist. It was interesting to say the least. We talked about Clo and we talked about my life and my fear of people. Did I open completely up no but did I try? Yes, I did. Trusting people is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to so bad but I have been burned so many times I fear others more than trust them. She was kind, funny, and sweet, I think I am going to like her. She focused on my lack of a social circle and wants to work on me meeting people and try to help me find out who I am. Though the hardest part is I have to talk to them as me and not just act the way I think they want me to act. I’ve looked at groups and other meetups around me but I’m not ready. I need more time to figure out me before I go in search of friends.
That is extaclly how I looked everytime she mentioned meeting people. My eyes got big as saucers and I tried to think of any excuse why I don’t go out and meet people. She called me out on my bullshit. She’s right, I make lame excuses just so I don’t have to socialize. I’ve never been very good at it and I was isolated growing up so my social skills suck hardcore. Making true friends means letting them in, showing them my scars and to stop pretending I am ok, and to learn how to say no. That will be a tough one, I always want to help people and saying no makes me sometimes feel like a bad person. Even though I know its ok to say no. I just feel I shouldn’t that one is going to be tough.
The girl on the left does everything everyone wants her to. She never says no and is always up for whatever you want to do even if she doesn’t want to do it. The girl on the right is the old me I tossed away so many years ago. The girl who liked weird and unusual things stood up for herself and didn’t care what people thought. That girl is still inside me fighting for a way out but I haven’t let her out. I shouldn’t have to be ashamed that I like skulls, gothic clothing, colored contacts and weird things. I shouldn’t have hide behind a mask to make friends yet I do. I fear rejection so much, but truth be told if people reject me they are not true friends. I am not comfortable in my own skin but I want to be and I will learn to be. I have the steps I need to take and I will it will be a slow process but I will get there. Step one chop my hair and dye it the colors I have always wanted, step 2 lose weight and buy the clothes I want to wear. When I look in my closet I want to have a bonfire and burn my clothes, I so want to do that when I get where I need to be. I want to toss everything that isn’t me that I have just because someone said this is what I should be wearing or have. That I am a mom, an adult, a manager so this is how I need to dress and act. News flash not everyone is the same and I am tired of being a Barbie doll that just does what everyone else wants. I know it will take time but I will get there. The girl I once was that hides in the shadows and lurks is trying to break out and once she does she is never going back to the shadows.