Focusing My Mind

08-02-18_8-37-33 PM

Yep, that is how I am most days with my head hung trying to hold myself together. It's rough I have responsibilities I have to care for, but I managed to do it. Though I am not going to lie I am exhausted by the end of the day from holding myself together.  It's not easy to be breaking apart inside while trying to hold yourself together on the outside.

 

08-02-18_8-38-41 PM

So I did some Yoga. That is one thing I really do like. So far I have learned I like video games, found my passion for reading again, and I like yoga. It calms me and helps me relax my mind.  Though I like it I forced myself to do it because I know laying in bed will not fix me. Even though that's all I want to do.

That is the easy way out of this, just staying where I am at and being ok with it. I won't do that again I refuse to wear the mask I have put on for so many years to appease other people.  It's a struggle because I know people can see I am not ok but I need to show people who I really am. I can no longer depend on the mask. In order to become me, I need to bare it all.  My heart, my soul, everything. Well, not everything. I promise you won't see me naked.

I've been going over my past and actually questioning all of the choices I have made to see how many times I actually thought for myself instead of letting other's dictate what I like and dislike. Let me tell you it is far and few in between.  How I act, talk, dress, and what I have been doing for fun has not been my choice. Minus a couple things my kindness, my smart-ass mouth and a dirty mind that is all 100% me.

08-02-18_8-39-29 PM

This is my favorite pose in Yoga. The corpse pose.  You are just laying there breathing clearing your head of all thoughts and just focusing on your breathing. It is a beautiful thing. I go for my first counseling session tomorrow and I am worried. I know I shouldn't be but this is all new to me. Sharing my scars with others. It is scary but each step I take is going to make me a better me.

I am still trying to lose weight but not succeeding very much. It's due to my appetite it is at an all-time low.  Don't worry I am still eating but not much. I really just don't feel hungry. I either eat a healthy lunch and skip dinner or skip lunch and eat a healthy dinner. Breakfast is coffee and a roll with butter. If I eat any more I get nauseous.

I do have to admit that writing down how I am feeling and sharing is actually liberating. It's like here I am I may be broken, battered and bruised but I am still here. One thing I am proud of is last week my job celebrated my ex-besties birthday and I flat out refused to participate.  I know it sounds petty but I bent over backward to make her bday special for 5 years and in all that time she barely acknowledged mine.  I didn't decline the celebration to be petty I just didn't want to be a part of it. It would have been fake and I don't want to fake it anymore. I don't want to participate in something just because everyone else wants me to. I'm done with that. If I want to join in I will if I don't then suck it up buttercup and deal with it.